so green and dumb

Need a new job so bad I can taste it. So mad at Ladyboss though I know it's nothing personal. Just her lack of understanding about how frustrating my job is coupled with the misery of still having to run a business with your flutterheaded husband and brother-in-law while eight-plus months pregnant. And an unreliable and lazy employee sitting at your desk and following up on your work to worry about as well! Yah, I am a trial to her. That she requires emotional response of me, is her trained reflex, not an evil plot to eat my soul, I know. But I have been so frustrated and overworked here that it is hard for me not to react according to my reflexes when she reacts with hers.

Things are well between me and Dave, very well. Last Wednesday we went out and saw No Country for Old Men after I got home! Dave said we needed to get out of the house and do stuff to prevent us getting antsy and snapping at each other, and bless him, he was right. Thanksgiving at his aunt and uncle's was wonderful; good food, good company, good times. Me and Paula and one of Dave's girl cousins are going to see that psychic who doesn't suck, Mina, at some point in December. I look forward to it. After my bad experience with Lisa last year it'll do me good to see a pro who is on the level. Confirm and/or disconfirm my feelings on the shape of the time and all that. And on Saturday we went to see Local H in Schaumburg. I though it was a great show, if only the floor hadn't been so slippery it hindered the moshpit. Too short a set; we suspect the couple standing up by the monitors in front of us who didn't move or get into it gave the band the idea the rest of the crowd was half-hearted. But they covered Skulls and Bad Moon and played What Would You Have Me Do, so there were some lovely surprises!

Here I am at work, trying not to dread the rest of my day. It occurred to me on Friday that my menagerie (which I am telling more people more about, which leads me to suspect I am coming towards a major shift in its role!) is a set of templates of demons--negative entities. That each one has a positive counterpart, which I may well end up calling elementals, who represent the non-parasitic modes of each energy state / interaction type. That Roach, for example, may also be called Frenzy and Dread, that Fly may also be called Boredom and Peevishness, tells me things. Incomplete and hopelessly useless descriptors both, but still fair indicators that my creatures are things to be watched for and guarded against, not deployed for use. If I ever want ones that may be deployed for use I will have to generate better creatures. Which means in turn that I will have to discipline my mind and spirit together with some practice, whether I make a full adaptation of the Scouts' Rainbow or some other exercise.

Spoke to Jimmy the other day, may have been Wednesday night. My mind was just calmed enough to be able to do it. He's still there, listening and nudging, ready to tell me whatever as soon as I'm ready to listen. It's me that's too dense and crowded right now to be able to clear a landing strip for things from the other view, so to speak. I'm a mess, as regards almost everything but Dave, and well do I know it.

I try to feel confident that I'll find another job, but I haven't sent out resumes for more than a week. Not feeling very confident of late. Dad's ill luck, or his sense of it, maybe rubbed off on me a little. Hells bells, I'd even take another restaurant office manager job if it was at a place where things were run more sanely and my bosses were capable of separating out their professional from their personal melant'i.

Just gotta keep moving, hope some of the shit misses the fan and hits the wall.

[time passes; day almost over]

Got a call from Jolene at my favorite employment agency. She has a number of someone for me to contact which she left in my voicemail. Woot!
Ladyboss was here a lot of the day today and I didn't want to kill her even though our usual rules applied. Woot!
Missed the chance to have a smoke with Dave this lunch hour. Boo.
Missed staff meal because I was down here doing party-related work with Malika. Boo.


Anonymous said...

Usual rules apply for Jela and Cantra = 'Watch your back, watch the shadows and always expect trouble."