Tuesdays With Abhorrent Fiends vol. 36

I have a few minutes here while lady boss's camera charges up.

Good morning over all today, but an afternoon that had me clawing at my desk trying to gouge through it in the desire to break something.

Does it make sense to say I was upset with only the top third or so of my personality, but the rest of me was unbothered? Sort of thing where other people caused the delay and difficulty. I just had the unenviable task of trying to email image files way too big to fit in an email, downloading file converters, winzip, finding upload websites, all because boss B was covering the ass of boss A who completely blew off a press deadline, which was 9am this morning. But we got at least some of the things to the right people by 5pm. Couple more things still need to be gotten out of the camera (whose battery is dead from being plugged into the computer all day) and emailed to couple more people. I'm'a be nice and give the battery a good few minutes to recharge, because I need to recharge.

Heard today, actually from lady boss's dad who stopped by the office, the Obama has all but clinched the nomination. We three had a short and pleasant discussion on the subject of politics and how nice it would be to see an Obama/Clinton White House for the next four years.

Only after the discussion was over and he'd left the room that I realized. I would have been discussing this with my father tonight if he was alive. And his opinion would be way more complex and shiny and involve all sorts of different mafias. It makes me angry because I miss him, and I do feel robbed. I do. I'm crying a little right now. Not a lot, just enough to bleed off some of the emotions. Wipe my face and no one around here will notice the difference, since unless I'm actively gleeful I look a bit squinty and perpetually harried.

Everyone's been telling me it will take time, that I can't expect to grieve all at once. I always thank them for their kindness because they are exactly correct. Just not nearly detailed enough to suit me--and the level of detail that does suit me is not something anybody else really wants or needs to have explained to them. But dammit I know what this did to my personality and I am going about it my way and I am going to do it right. Let each situational mind, each self-aspect vent out its little portion of my hurt as the wheel of days brings each to light in turn.


Amber E said...

Yeah. Some times I think I'm a jerk because I'm fine and functional and sometimes I just start crying. You know, last night I prayed for God to let me wake up 12 years ago and do things differently. Well....you know how that worked out because I am writing this now. I just wish we could know things before we learned them! I know that's dumb but I'm just sad, but grateful I had so much time with dad, sad, guilty that I didn't do more to make his life better, mad that I didn't realize that he could have used more help and encouragement. happy because I know we were are are loved and still sad. It's just too much to feel at once.

Daddy was a good and brave man who exemplified love for his fellow person every day of his life. I am proud to be his daughter and I'm crying while typing.

I guess I'm just rambling and dealing with my own emotions while trying to empathize with you Kiffle. Okay, love you and hope you have a reasonably tolerable day. With something to look forward too!