bod oeurgulo

Really, I should be in bed now, but it's so nice to have quiet and time to think.

I hate it that my decision tree for the next few months depends so heavily on what Dad may do. He may suddenly get rich, or get another job, or get another job and go on disability, or continue as he has been for yet more weeks or months. And in any of those cases he may or may not move out, may or may not be able to support himself.

I would have serious qualms about finding my own place and urging Dave to find a job and move in and help me if Dad were not self-sufficient. Because then he would likely have few options but to move in with me.

Dave finds the idea of me and Amber and Pearl all living together terrifying. He's seen us together for short periods and assumes we'd be running at that pace all the time. I tried to explain that once we've had a chance to catch up we usually settle down and become quite mannerly but I think he thought my perspective on the subject a little too biased. So the four of us kicking free of all parents and establishing a household together is not something he would consider at this time. Which is a damn pity because I think it would be the best thing logistically. As the book of Proverbs puts it, "better a dinner or herbs on a corner of the roof than a meal in a house with a contentious wife." And a sullen parent is as contentious as a waspish wife, if a smidge less close to the seat of the soul. I had much rather work out who would pay for what bills and how everyone would stay off each other's toes with my boyfriend and sisters than with any of our parents. Because we-all trust each other and are in fundamental accord about how fellow beings should be treated--and none of us presume an inherent right to command the others. A distressing habit of all parents whose children are grown and earning a living.

Due to the distressing nature of the times in this country and the sad state of our social order overall, if we are to come out of the next half-century or so in one piece we will eventually have to all stand together and keep our wits about us. And perhaps I am selfish to keep returning to it, but it is hard to keep the best wits about one with a despairing and pain-addled old man always talking one's goddamn ears off! And though Mom's meddling is more overtly polite it is much more wearing on the soul. Dad's aura encroaches, but he does not truly mean to control or pry in the same way and one does not need the same constant and unrelenting vigilance.

We cannot spare that vigilance for our housemates in the time to come. We will need it to meet and hold fast against the crumbling of the outside world. I am not enough of a diviner--nor do I wish to be!--to see anything more clear than what common sense also confirms. At the very least the first half of this century in this country are going to be times of want and fear and exhaustion on many levels and great care will be needed even for the well-off.

I need to keep the job I have and not push too hard on anyone to rearrange themselves. But if I see something moving I will try to roll it forward because I am wary and on edge about the future and as a change must come, I had rather it came quickly.