Xmas marks the spot (out, damn spot!)

Xmas was eXtremely pleasant. Saw Amber on Monday, hung out at Paula's Monday night and Tuesday day, came back to Chicago Tuesday and saw Pearl as well. Who knows, she may still be hanging out when I gets home tonight.

Still can't, or haven't been able to, escape nagging feelings of dread and self-recrimination. My mind seems to light on any flimsiest thing to hang those feelings on as long as it gets to keep them. But in fact things have been very good. At work today, no disasters or even unusually annoying things. I'm hoping it's something seasonal, psychosomatic like, based on previous dire Xmases, and will pass with the turning of the year.

Been dreaming but not wanting to remember enough to write down or, in some cases, even fix in my thinking. Something basic-assumptiony. Something identity-belief-ified. In other words, "The more something was designed never to break, the more difficult it is to get at when you need to repair it." Within the mind this means motivation and inclination dry up too as you reach the location of the damage. Thus leaving only sheer cussedness to get the job done.

I hope I have a very cussed new year.